Why Baseball Is the Greatest Sport on Earth
By Kristopher Kaiyala

Baseball has become an easy target in recent years. From complaints about rampant steroid use to games taking too long to owners and a commissioner loathe to address pressing issues or to embrace the future, critics are more than happy to proclaim America’s national pastime dead and gone. Funny thing is, attendance is up. Way up. Somebody forgot to tell the fans their sport is irrelevant.

For those who truly follow and understand the game, baseball isn’t merely a sport—it’s magic. “Field of Dreams” struck a deep chord with Americans because so much of the movie is true. Baseball really does change lives. It’s where the past meets the present, where Cornfield America connects with Fenway Park. Here are a dozen reasons why it’s still the greatest sport on Earth.

The Home Run
Basketball has the slam dunk. Football has the Hail Mary. But for fan appeal and sheer awesomeness, nothing is more sublime than the dinger. Think about it: The very object without which the game cannot be played (never mind that the umpire has hundreds of replacements at his disposal) is purposely drilled out of the field of play into a sea of humanity or empty bleachers, becoming a souvenir—possibly worth millions—for a lucky fan. There’s a reason that “home run” is America’s favorite metaphor for anything that seriously doesn’t suck.

Strategy
Think baseball is just a batter desperately trying to hit a pitch? Think again. Get to know the inner workings of the game and you’ll see it’s a living chess match where pieces are carefully moved into place, but with a twist—the pieces are fallible. The strategy is in the player movement, but the magic is in the uncertainty of what will happen next.

Stats
Baseball’s statistics, dating back well over a hundred years, have been called “sacred” (which is why passionate fans get worked up when alleged steroids users like Mark McGuire and Barry Bonds start messing with them). No other American sport boats such a rich history, catalogued so precisely. Sure the numbers can get boring sometimes, but pay them respect: They’re the sport’s DNA.

Summer
During late-fall and winter, when the NBA, NFL, and NHL seasons are in full swing, most of the country fights to stay warm and dry. This gets old and bothersome after a while. Except for the buffer months of April and October, baseball is played in short-sleeve or no-shirt-at-all weather. You can wear flip flops and shorts to a game, no matter how old you are. Summer makes everyone feel like a kid again, and so does baseball.

Time
To really fall in love with baseball, you have to slow down. After all, at upwards of four hours per game, it is a sport of patience. Which I suppose is why some in the Halo (or even the Donkey Kong) generation can’t go the distance. But there was a time, not so long ago, when people probably thought a game couldn’t last long enough—to get away from the daily cares of surviving a Great Depression or a world war or two. If you can be patient with baseball, it will provide you an enjoyable escape.

Daily Schedule
It’s good to know that no matter how bad your day goes, or no matter what changes pounce or creep into your life, six out of seven days of the week you can tune into your favorite team, or check the box score in the paper in the morning. A little consistency is good for sanity.

“It Ain’t Over ‘til It’s Over”
Coined by legendary Yankees catcher and manager Yogi Berra, “It ain’t over ‘til it’s over” has very real meaning in baseball where the outcome isn’t determined by a clock but by outs. In theory, no matter how far a team is down, it can still come all the way back in that final at-bat in the ninth inning, no matter how unlikely. That, my friends, is poetry. And America.

Wrigley Field, Fenway Park, Yankee Stadium
The old yards have all but disappeared, but a few relics remain—even if their futures are uncertain. Better get to Yankee Stadium fast. It’s about to be replaced by a $1.3 billion (and counting) theme park.

Game-day Traditions
From the organ chimes (now probably a stadium intern clicking a mouse) to the ceremonial first pitch to the seventh inning stretch, baseball’s traditions are alive and well, and they’re not even corny. And there are few places left where you can bury your feet in peanut shells and feel proud.

Voices of the Game
Even as a 7-year-old kid I knew the name and friendly voice of Vin Scully. Listening to a good baseball announcer is like settling in for an entertaining books-on-tape session. Every game is a new story to be told, and baseball has the best stories. Hats off to Seattle Mariners’ broadcaster Dave Niehaus, who, still working the booth every day, enters the Hall of Fame this summer. If you’ve never listened to Dave, tune in.

Americana
Baseball isn’t only played in major cities, ya know. Sometimes the best games are played by teams with names like the Toledo Mud Hens, the Birmingham Barons, or the New Hampshire Fisher Cats. You want to see players working hard and struggling to make it to the big leagues? Check out minor league baseball. One thing’s for sure: You’ll see more wacky marketing promotions in small parks then you ever will this side of Madison Avenue.

Real Men
They may not be pretty, and they’re certainly not “pretty boys” like the stars of other sports leagues. Baseball players are more like survivors. It takes a lot of grit to play night in and night out and work your way through the farm system. The spitting, the scratching, the grabbing of nether regions—it’s all good.

And if you still don’t get it, go stand in the batter’s box with a 95 mph fastball whizzing by your head and see how that feels

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. There’s many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
– Flannery O’Connor

The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn’t commit when he had the opportunity.
– Helen Rowland

In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.
– Napoleon Bonaparte

1. Cheese: Squirm in your chair cheesy.

2. (With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.

3. Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

4. Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?

5. Are you lost ma’am? Because heaven is a long way from here.

6. Are you O.K.? Because heaven is a long fall from here.

7. (As s/he is leaving) Hey aren’t you forgetting something? S/he: What? Me!

8. Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he’s missing an angel!

9. Bond. James Bond.

10. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the man/woman of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.

11. Did it hurt? S/he: Did what hurt? When you fell out of heaven?

12. Do you come here often?

13. Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

14. Don’t worry about it. Nothing that you’ve ever done before counts. The only thing that matters is that we’re together.

15. Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!

16. Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.

17. Hey…somebody farted. Let’s get out of here.

18. Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

19. How was heaven when you left it?

20. I didn’t know that angels could fly so low!

21. I have only three months to live…

22. I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.

23. I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with you.

24. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

25. I’m sorry, were you talking to me? (No.) Well then, please start.

26. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

27. If I followed you home, would you keep me?

28. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.

29. Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

30. My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.

31. So there you are! I’ve been looking all over for YOU, the man/woman of my dreams!

32. Stand still so I can pick you up!

33. Was you father an alien? Because there’s nothing else like you on Earth!

34. What time do you have to be back in heaven?

35. What was that sound? It was the sound of my heart breaking.

36. What’s a nice boy/girl like you doing in a place like this?

37. What’s that in your eye? Must just be a twinkle.

38. What’s your favorite position on extramarital sex?

39. What’s your sign?

40. Where have you been all my life?

41. Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?

42. Wouldn’t we look cute on a wedding cake together?

43. Wow.

44. You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth.

45. You must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room.

46. Your daddy must have been a baker, because you’ve got a nice set of buns.

47. Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.

48. [Grab the ass] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

49. Can I have directions? (To where?) To your heart.

50. Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

51. [Look at her shirt label.] When they say, “What are you doing?” You respond: “Yep! Made in heaven!”

52. Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And baby, I’m lost at sea.

53. Ask a person for the time. “10:30? So today is June 2, 2006, at 10:30 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met you.”

54. “Pinch me.” “Why?” “You’re so fine I must be dreaming.”

55. Your name must be Mickey because you’re so fine.

56. Your daddy must be a hunter because he sure caught a fox!

57. Your daddy must be an archer because he sure shot a bull’s eye!

58. Your daddy must play the trumpet, because he sure made me horny!

59. Ouch! My tooth hurts! (Why?) Because you are soooo sweet!

60. You must be from Pearl Harbor, because baby, you’re the bomb.

61. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

62. Do you know karate? Because your body is really kickin’.

63. Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call FINE PRINT!

64. Hi. I would like to award you the {Whatever beer we were drinking} award for looking so good. Now if you will give me your name, number and other vital statistics, I would like to enter you in our grand prize drawing for all-expenses paid date with me.

65. You must be Snickers, because you satisfy me.

66. Is your dad a terrorist? Because you are the bomb.
67. Are you religious? Cause you are the answers to all my prayers.

68. You’re like a dictionary; you add meaning to my life!

69. Say, you remind me of a pop tart. (Why?) You are cool because you’re hot!

70. If beauty were sunlight, you’d shine from a million light-years away.

71. Baby, you are the finest thing in the world. I could put you on a place and sop you up with a biscuit.

72. Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

73. I must be a snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.

74. Excuse me; I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it’s just a sparkle.

75. Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I’ve been searching for!

76. You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!

77. It’s my birthday! How about a birthday kiss? (Is it really your birthday?) No, but how about a kiss anyway?

78. What is the name of your perfume? “Catch of the Day?”

79. If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning”.

80. (after the target walks in) And out of nowhere comes the sunshine!!

81. When I marry I wonder if God will be mad that I stole one of his angels.

82. I’m good at math. U+I=69

83. If stars would fall every time I would think of you, the sky would soon be empty.

84. Hi. Your name must be (your car here) because my backseat has it written all over.

85. Excuse me; do I need to buy a ticket for your fantastic voyage?

86. I’m wearing Revlon color stay lipstick, want to help me test the claim it won’t kiss off?

87. Go up to the person and ask for their hand. Draw a line across it and explain that it’s a really big river, and the bunny on this side (doesn’t matter) really needs to get to the other side. Ask how he does it. Give cute little answers as to why the bunny can’t cross the river (i.e., …bunny jump in river, bunny goes *glubglubglub*.) When the person finally asks how the bunny is supposed to get across, give them the cute puppy eyes and say “I don’t know, I just wanted to hold your hand.”

88. Mars? This is the advanced recon unit. Good news, I’ve found a couple of foxes.

89. Damn! Somebody needs to write explosive on you, because you are the bomb!

90. Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?

91. Do you remember Crayola Crayons? They used to have this color…Blizzard Blue. It was my favorite color and I could never figure out why. But I just realized why, your eyes…Blizzard Blue.

92. Something tells me you’re sweet. Can I have a sample?

93. Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?

94. Your lips look so lonely…. Would they like to meet mine?

95. Is that a keg in your pants? Because I’d love to tap that ass.

96. Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?

97. I have an “owie” on my lip. Will you kiss it and make it better?

98. (stand next to the target) Hey do you think you could ask this person to give me his/her name and number? (Depends on who it is) Okay but keep it quiet because s/he is standing right next to me.

99. Hi, my name is Chris. I’m funny, financially stable, and have a very interesting DNA structure.

100. Can I take your picture? (Why?) Because I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.

101. (Open and close wallet quickly) Here’s my “Fine Arts Connoisseur” diploma. You sure are a masterpiece.

102. Let’s make like a fabric softener and Snuggle(TM)

103. (while looking at stars) I didn’t see any stars in the sky tonight; the most heavenly body was standing right next to me.

104. If you know a person’s name: “Hi, [name].” How did you know my name? “Isn’t every beautiful boy/girl named that?”

105. See this pin? I want to prick you with it to see if you truly do bleed sunshine.

106. You be the Dairy Queen and I’ll be your Burger King: You treat me right, and I’ll do it your way

107. [Pretend to read your hand, do so quite poorly] What is a nice person like you doing in a place like this? (Huh?) [Lower left hand and raise right, read poorly] What’s your sign?

108. Hi. My name is {name}. I’m running for president in 2012. And I could sure use your vote. Here…write down your number and I’ll call you to discuss my platform.

109. If I could reach out and hold a star for every time you’ve made me smile, I’d hold the sky in the palm of my hand.

110. Good evening. May a thorn sit down amongst the roses?

111. Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only lovers will leave a footprint on your heart. And you, my dear, have left one great leap on mine!

112. Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

113. Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scrapped my knee falling for you.

114. I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.

115. What is your favorite color? (Answer) Mine too!

116. Giant polar bear (What?) It broke the ice.

117. (Put your fingers on the other’s nipples) Hey, here’s (name), comin’ at you with the weather. Can I be your warm front?

118. Excuse me, does this tequila taste funny? (Hand them an untouched shot)

119. So, what do you like to do for fun? (Why?) Because I’m going to ask you out.

120. Well, I AM telepathic, and I can tell that you love me. Right? (NO!) Damn, I always get “love” and “lust” mixed up.

121. (Talk to her)Did I ever tell you, you are my hero? You’re everything I wish I could be? (Start Singing) I can fly higher than an eagle! (talking) Because (the person’s name) you are the wind beneath my wings.

122. (close hand with nothing inside and give it to the target) It’s my breath from when you took it away (open palm while saying this)

123. Should I smile because we are friends, or cry because I know that is what we will ever be?

124. Speak of the devil….or should I say “Angel”?

125. When I look into your eyes, it is like a gateway into the world of which I want to be a part.

126. I’m a Love Pirate, and I’m here for your booty! ARRRGGGHHH!!!

127. I believe that it was Socrates who opined, “Know thyself.” Whelp, I already know myself, how about I get to know you?

128. I put a drop of tear in the ocean last night for you. And I won’t stop loving you until you find that tear drop.

129. Still looking’

130. Hey, where did your smile go? (Check back pocket) Here it is!

131. (Get as close as you can to the other, then stare at his/her lips) Can you feel it? There is some kind of sexual attraction. Can you feel it, too?

132. Hey baby. You got a jersey? (A jersey?…What for?) Because I need your name and number

133. Hi, I’m astronomer and I’ve been sent by the department to examine a heavenly body named XGY8… 6… 9′er… Er, wait. That heavenly body is you!

134. You be the biscuits and I’ll be the gravy, let us do breakfast sometime.

135. When you walk into a room, who looks at you first, guys or girls? (Answer) After seeing pictures of you, I would have thought more guys (girls) would want to talk to you.

136. My lips are skittles, wanna taste the rainbow?

137. Please do not be alarmed if a big man wearing a red suit picks you up and throws you into a bag. (Why?) Because I asked for you for Christmas.

138. You must be a magnet, because it looks like you are attracted to my buns of steel.

139. Hello, I’m doing a survey of what people think are the cheesiest pickup lines. So, do you pick ‘Do you come here often?’, ‘What’s your sign?’, or ‘Hello, I’m doing a survey of what people think are the cheesiest pickup lines.’?

140. (hold out hand) Would you hold this for me while I go for a walk?

141. I was looking at a light bulb today and it made me think of you and how you light up my world.

142. You know, we have actually met before. Remember the dream you had of the perfect guy? I was the guy standing to his right.

143. Is your name David? I want to be Goliath and fall for you.

144. This time next year let’s be laughing together.

145. Clarinets are wood and trumpets are horny, but a trombone can do it in 7 positions.

146. Can you pull this heart-shaped arrow out of my ass? A damn little kid with wings shot me.

Saturday morning I got up early (4:00am), dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?’

Summer is here and well for those who just can’t say no, these phone numbers can say no for you!

ALABAMA
205-383-1788 (Birmingham)
334-541-0107

ARIZONA
520-792-6430 (Tucson)
602-230-4210

ARKANSAS
501-340-3896

CALIFORNIA
310-217-7638 (Los Angeles)
408-236-2060 (San Jose)
415-356-9833 (San Francisco)
858-492-8002 (San Diego)
916-733-1550 (Sacramento)

COLORADO
303-607-7527 (Denver)
719-359-8077 (Colorado Springs)
720-259-1388 (Denver)

CONNECTICUT
860-398-5163 (Hartford)

DELAWARE
302-250-4049 (Newark)

DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA
202-452-7468

FLORIDA
305-241-0033 (Miami)
352-475-6679 (Gainesville)
407-970-8278 (Orlando)
561-986-0035 (Palm Beach)
813-273-8160 (Tampa)
904-879-8012 (Jacksonville)
954-287-0023 (Fort Lauderdale)

GEORGIA
404-250-3530 (Atlanta)
678-317-0033 (Atlanta)
706-335-0511 (Athens)
770-908-7383 (Atlanta)
912-754-5588 (Savannah)

ILLINOIS
773-509-5027

INDIANA
317-332-0670

KANSAS
785-875-3188

KENTUCKY
270-735-1622
502-379-4025 (Louisville)

LOUISIANA
504-208-2271 (New Orleans)

MAINE
207-376-0768

MARYLAND
410-347-1488

MASSACHUSETTS
413-351-2684
508-556-3549
617-861-3962 (Boston)
781-654-2925

MICHIGAN
248-262-6861
313-263-2707 (Detroit)

MINNESOTA
612-232-1638
651-319-9775 (Minneapolis)

MISSISSIPPI
601-792-4440

MISSOURI
314-359-3930 (St. Louis)
417-326-2677 (Springfield)
573-856-4522 (Jefferson City)
816-298-0420 (Kansas City)

NEBRASKA
402-434-6535 (Lincoln)
402-827-9874 (Omaha)

NEVADA
702-386-5397

NEW HAMPSHIRE
603-413-2340

NEW JERSEY
201-808-6011
973-409-3011 (Newark)

NEW MEXICO
505-310-2496

NEW YORK
212-660-2245 (New York City)
315-682-1822 (Syracuse)
516-730-7245 (Long Island)
518-935-4012 (Albany)
716-357-2127 (Buffalo)
718-971-5245
845-259-2245
914-269-4245

NORTH CAROLINA
336-808-7800 (Greensboro)
704-264-2861 (Charlotte)
828-859-2905
919-226-2016 (Raleigh)

OHIO
216-269-0085 (Cleveland)
330-342-3454 (Akron)
419-452-6002
440-328-3382
513-277-0088 (Cincinnati)
614-675-1190 (Columbus)
740-321-1277
937-586-9235 (Dayton)

OKLAHOMA
405-213-1048 (Oklahoma City)
918-649-1711

OREGON
503-450-9938

PENNSYLVANIA
215-618-1505 (Philly)
412-567-2767 (Pittsburgh)
724-733-0018
814-337-4101 (Penn State)

RHODE ISLAND
401-648-6543

SOUTH CAROLINA
803-358-0885

TENNESSEE
615-346-2800 (Nashville)
901-328-8380 (Memphis)

TEXAS
210-893-7109 (San Antonio)
214-890-6980 (Dallas)
512-647-4813 (Austin)
713-866-6249 (Houston)
817-326-1433 (Ft. Worth)
972-504-6270 (Dallas)

UTAH
801-296-7163

VIRGINIA
703-912-1725
757-215-4557 (Virginia Beach)
804-335-1422 (Richmond)

WASHINGTON
206-376-9798 (Seattle)
509-340-1370 (Spokane)

WISCONSIN
414-243-1102

OUR OTHER NUMBERS
641-985-7805 (It Could Always Suck More)
712-858-5771 (The Telemarketers Nightmare)
712-858-5772 (The Frustration Hotline)
712-858-5773 (The Suggestion Hotline)
712-858-5774 (Random)
781-382-3478 (Nicer, Kinder, More Subtle Rejection Hotline)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

But unfortunately….